Sheri’s Ranch to Robert Kraft / NFL: “The NFL needs prostitution training!”

Sheri’s Ranch, the legal brothel located in Pahrump, Nevada, has made an interesting proposition (no pun intended) to NFL owners, specifically New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who is being charged with soliciting prostitution services at a spa in Florida.

In a blog post to the brothel’s website and in a subsequent press release to members of the media, the sex resort’s spokesperson, Jeremy Lemur, himself a former NFL employee, issued the following statement:

This morning, the owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft, is being charged with soliciting prostitution illegally at a spa in Florida, where surveillance video caught him in flagrante delicto. To say that this is a black mark on the Super Bowl champions is an understatement.
This arrest brings to light something that the courtesans and staff of Sheri’s Ranch have known for quite some time: the professional sports world’s desire for prostitution is massive and virtually unquenchable.
There is a rich history of athletes and sports professionals getting busted with prostitutes — Warren Sapp immediately comes to mind for soliciting a pro during the 2015 Super Bowl — yet, for some reason, the vast majority of influential NFL figures still choose to satisfy their limitless desire for no-frills sex with an illegal hooker.
Thankfully, several informed athletes and sports professionals choose to do the right thing and enjoy their dalliances at legal Nevada brothels like Sheri’s Ranch, where a public figure’s privacy, reputation, and health are protected.
We’re all fans of the NFL here at Sheri’s Ranch and we understand the importance of maintaining the reputation of the owners, athletes, and support personnel working for the league.
In an attempt to prevent what happened to Robert Kraft from ever happening again, we have a proposition for the owners of the NFL.
The sex workers of Sheri’s Ranch are willing to offer consultation services and proper prostitution training, for a relatively small fee, to the owners of NFL Franchises and all league employees. In these sessions the harlots will educate the sports world on the benefits of visiting a legal Nevada brothel, including but not limited to:
  • No risk of catching an STD. Legal prostitutes are tested weekly for sexually transmitted diseases. No customer of Sheri’s Ranch has ever contracted an STD or HIV as a result of an encounter with one of our courtesans.
  • You get to keep your job, marriage, reputation, legacy, etc. Legal brothels respect your privacy and are absolutely discreet. No Sheri’s customer has ever been outed or exposed as a patron or consumer of prostitution.
  • We don’t photograph you and we don’t kiss-and-tell. Robert Kraft is in hot water because of surveillance footage that exposed him as a customer. We would never reveal video footage of our customers and we would never be asked to by law enforcement – because, since prostitution is legal at Sheri’s, none of our patrons are committing a crime.
Let’s take care of this problem before it truly does become an epidemic and ruins the reputation of another great NFL team. Contact Sheri’s Ranch and book prostitution training for your franchise today.
As crazy as it might sound, and it really does at first glance, this may be exactly what pro athletes, not just NFL players, need. Why risk your entire career, jail time, family, etc. for a half-pleasing romp with illegal prostitutes when a discreet, safe brothel worker can be had near Sin City?
Most of these athletes hit Las Vegas for its 24-hour gambling and booze anyway, why not add another perfectly legal vice to the list, plus you’ll keep it out of the papers?
I know naysayers will try to twist this into some morality play, but if no laws are being broken, what is the crime?
The real crime may just be that professional sports leagues haven’t pushed for this sooner.

~Jeremy Long / KOMP 92.3FM